5: you want someone to see

1: there are no sudden realizations and there are no happy-ever-afters and we all know that. life doesn't change much at all from one second to the next, and though you try to catch yourself metamorphosing from one person to another you never manage it, and you spend the rest of your life wondering when you'll become the butterfly that everyone seems convinced you are. 2: it's hard to capture this zeitgeist, this peculiar feeling of everything floating, momentary and ephemeral. it's a special coldness and loneliness that only happens when everyone is so close and so far, contactable if you wanted to but harder than ever to say something to. the sheer accessibility of life makes you want something that can pre-empt your sadness, cheer you up before you need any cheering up. 3: and if you look around it seems as if everyone else is fine, it's like you're in a disconnect custom made for one, drifting. and if anyone reveals his own disconnect, it is an incomprehensible surprise to you. you want to be closer and further away, but the shared ice of the disconnect is a sea deeper and wider than any sea on the map. 4: you let time pass like cotton candy in your mouth; you hate the world because it's not perfect.